She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
