Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
