she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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