I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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