i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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