She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize