I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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