At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
