i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
