someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
