did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
