He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
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