You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
