I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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