I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
