all she had left on were here heels. phone five
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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