You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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