she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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