Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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