The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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