the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
