just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
