You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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