Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
