Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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