I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
