you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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