I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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