i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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