I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
