He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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