I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize