it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
