Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
