I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
