where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
