...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
