We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Pants are for mortals
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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