i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
