I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
