Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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