im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
