I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
