We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
