Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I have aggressive nipples.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
