I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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