remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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