I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
