there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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