i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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