Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
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