You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize