I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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