i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
