70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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