I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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