Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
