I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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