____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
