he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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