i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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