A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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