When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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