Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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